The Best Friend Who Is Closest (2024)

I was recently in a very low place. Some recent negative events and criticisms from other people had pushed me into a dark cloud of lingering turmoil and self-reproach. For the first time in over a decade, I found myself mentally and spiritually stuck in a toxic rabbit hole with negative old tapes playing. Thankfully, with the help of my wife, closest family members, and dear friends, I was able to work through the dark cloud and move forward. During the healing process, one of my wife’s and my best friends offered some sage wisdom:

“Remember to tell yourself what you would tell your best friend.”

Though I had heard these amazing words before, as they were applied to some of the darkest parts of my life’s story it was like I was hearing them for the first time.

The advice from my dear friend is a very beautiful version of what is often coined The Bronze Rule.

If you are like me and have never heard of pure metal moral codes other than The Golden Rule, there are numerous. One such rule is The Bronze Rule. The Bronze Rule starts with the self:

“Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.”

Doing unto yourself as you would do unto others certainly turns things around, doesn’t it?

Though doesn’t it make sense? How do you start to treat others with love and care if you do not treat yourself this way? And if you expect others to treat you with respect, how could you not expect yourself to do this?

Treating yourself with kindness, care, and love involves positive thought and speech. Do you give yourself positive feedback and encouragement rather than blame and negative vibes?

It also involves positive actions. For sure, do you have a healthy diet with plenty of physical activity? But add to this are other unconsidered essentials. Do you take time to tend to your mental health through activities like journaling or reflection? Do you have a positive social support system filled with people who will offer you love, care, and encouragement?

Treating yourself as you would treat your best friend is a heightened form of The Bronze Rule. This elevates the whole situation to a whole new level so that you are consistently treating yourself with utmost regard. You wouldn’t say or act in a way that would bring your best friend down or hurt them, but rather would strive to keep lifting them up. Why not the same for yourself?

Isn’t This Selfish?

One thing that may be hard about The Bronze Rule it seems well. .selfish. The whole wide world around us is just demanding our attention. There are bills to pay, mouths to feed, taxes to file, and our fellow human beings not having access to food or drink. How dare we take the time to treat ourselves well?

But the question resurfaces. How are we to care for our loved ones, neighbors, fellow human beings, and the greater world if do not care for ourselves? A common analogy for self-care is ironically the human heart. Before it can pump oxygenated blood to every other organ and part of the human body, the heart must first pump that oxygen to itself so that it remains strong and healthy. Similarly, if we offer ourselves that elevated care and regard then it opens the door for us to be more capable of treating others with elevated care and love.

But Do We Deserve This?

So many of us may not practice The Bronze Rule because we don’t believe we deserve such treatment. We may be so committed to treating others with respect and appreciating it back that we don’t think such care is something we ought to offer ourselves. But if you think about it, doesn’t the Golden Rule actually start with The Bronze Rule? Treat others the way you want to be treated. In other words, “Hello, you are a being who deserves love and respect.” The deeper meaning behind such elevated moral treatment of self and others is that as children of the Divine and of the universe, each of us is deserving.

Now, some of us may think we do not deserve to treat ourselves well due to past mistakes or transgressions.

We are supposed to punish ourselves. Doesn’t the common phrase “How do you sleep at night?” imply that anyone who has done something awful must continuously punish themselves for it?

But if we consider countless stories of people who have turned their whole lives around after the worst of misdeeds and offenses(such as with The Forgiveness Project), we might change the question and pose whether or not utmost regard for self is part or parcel of the journey to self-transformation. Guilt, self-repudiation, and shame might be like the proverbial rocking chair — you can make swift moves back and forth yet you do not move forward. Might positive self-encouragement and reflections about how to learn from past mistakes be more productive?

Also, since each of us is unique like no other person who has ever lived, then isn’t it the case that not using our unique gifts is wasteful? Let’s imagine someone is walking down the street and sees another person who is seriously injured. Does the walker refrain from help because maybe in the past they committed a horrible offense and that somehow makes them incapable of helping a fellow human in need?

One final note we can make here is to bring to mind those people who may feel their darkest moments mean they actually deserve offense from others. It’s like the pharmacist Mr. Gower in It’s A Wonderful Life who during George’s alternative reality vision allows himself to get mocked by the bartender Nick. As Mr. Gower is sprayed head to toe with alcohol, he laughs along at others’ taunts and assaults. No one deserves such horrible treatment, no matter what they may have done. Not enough can be said here about the contrary message taught by many of the world’s spiritual traditions. Just like the parable of the woman who finds lost pieces of silver, does a person’s unlimited worth and value diminish because of their worst transgressions? Other people don’t have to throw a party and celebrate your successes. They may not even have a very high disposition towards you. But they should at least still acknowledge you as a human being and refrain from hurt or offense. Part of The Bronze Rule means not standing for offense and abuse from others so that you are in a better place not to commit offense yourself.

Where Can You Go To Escape From Yourself?

The now classic rock song Dare You To Move by Switchfoot calls out these striking lyrics before continuing with “Where you gonna go?”

It’s a profound, ever-mysterious, and ever-mezmerizing deeper truth, isn’t it? You are stuck with yourself. You are the driver in the driver’s seat trying to keep your vehicle on the road in slippery conditions. Simultaneously you are the passenger struggling to hold on as you look at the window at scenes of your life quickly passing by.

Why not make this journey with you, yourself, and ye the best you can no matter what? Why not love yourself? Why not treat yourself with utmost love, care, and regard? Why not be your own best friend?

So, no matter what happens in life. No matter where the road leads you. No matter what you may have done or not done. No matter what others may think, say, or do. No matter what, why not start treating the person closest to you with love, care, and utmost regard? Why not treat yourself like you would your best friend?

And this is just the starting point. When I was speaking with my dear friend on that Saturday afternoon when she, my wife, and I had just eaten vegetable soup for lunch and drank warm cups of tea, I realized something.

“What if we then continue that and seek to treat every person we meet with utmost regard as though they were our best friend? Now, they wouldn’t have to be a best friend to us but they would be a best friend to somebody.”

“That’s the Golden Rule.” My dear wise friend smiled.

Of course, exploration of those other pure metal moral codes we can leave for other articles(as whole libraries have certainly been written). But today, as you read this, thoughts and prayers that you can leave with just the challenge to “treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.”

Certainly, since we all stumble and fall as humans we will not be able to ensure that we can treat everyone we meet with the utmost unconditional regard they certainly deserve. We also will assuredly not be treated that way by every other person we’ve met. But isn’t treating ourselves that way a good starting point?