“Do unto others as you would
have them do unto you.”
The “Golden Rule” is simple, yet shortsighted. By putting this rule up on such a pedestal, the Western world may have inadvertently set itself back over two millennia.
The golden rule is fatally flawed because it requires no empathy whatsoever. Sociopaths and psychopaths can easily follow it. You only need to think about how you want to be treated, and then do the same. You don’t need to consider someone else’s perspective at all.
Consequently, the golden rule fails to acknowledge one obvious fact of life: in order to connect with and truly understand others, we need to escape our own egos. People face radically different day to day experiences. We need to humbly seek out others’ unique perspectives and strive to see the world through their eyes. The golden rule offers no such guidance.
We are not all born equal. Our lives are continually shaped by webs of cultural norms, structural inequality, legacies of privilege, and countless other factors. Thus, intuiting from our own singular perspectives will never give us true insights into the lives of others. These insights require empathy.
Interestingly, catcallers and street harassers may be following the golden rule perfectly. They think, “I’d like others to tell me that I look attractive, so I should do the same unto them by telling them that they look attractive.” The logic is simple, yet insidious.
Ultimately, thinking only about how you would want things to happen is a terrible way to assess what’s good for others. It’s far more important to learn what they want for themselves.
This requires us to exhibit humility and open up a space for them to share their perspective. It requires us to respectfully acknowledge the validity of their lived experience. It requires us to seek additional perspective from their friends as well as others who may experience similar day to day experiences.
Ultimately, it requires the platinum rule*:
“Do unto others as they have explicitly informed you that they want done unto themselves.”
Obviously, not everyone goes around explicitly informing us what they want, so there’s a lot that’s left to our own intuition. The golden rule can help us reflect on what others might want, which is a good starting point, but we can only grow with others when we make the jump to the platinum rule and begin actively seeing into their world.
Under the platinum rule, we can more fully understand what life looks like from a multiplicity of viewpoints, and more capably respond to each individual’s unique needs.
The platinum rule lets us connect with people at a far more intimate level than the golden rule ever could. Why? Because we escape our own perspective and begin to identify with the perspectives of others.
This has implications across all areas of our lives. In business, we can become better managers and negotiators. In friendship, we can build stronger networks of trust and support. In love, we can establish levels of intimacy and vulnerability that elevate our relationships to higher planes.
The platinum rule fosters empathy, connectedness, and trust. These are the building blocks of genuine, lifelong love.
*Update 3/13/15: it was brought to my attention that historian Karl Popper has already coined the term “Platinum Rule” and defined it nearly identically to how I have in this post. I had never heard of Karl Popper or any research into this topic prior to publishing this post, but I’m super humbled and grateful to see that this topic has already been discussed and debated by so many remarkable individuals.
