When I think back to the formal relationship education I was given as a child, it centered around two main ideas: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and “Remember the Golden Rule: Treat others how you would want to be treated.”
I don’t know about you, but both of those rules have actually gotten me into a lot of trouble. In thinking they would help relationships, they have both actually made relationships more strained.
Let me start with the Golden Rule: Treat others how you would want to be treated. Sounds simple enough, right. The message being that if you treat everyone around you like you want everyone to treat you, than you will have friends, get along with your siblings and even have solid romantic relationships.
The problem is, the Golden Rule has a massive flaw. It assumes that everyone around you, is just like you. That other people want and need the same things that you want and need, and that you should automatically be able to figure them out based on your own experience.
But individuals do not work like that. Individuals come with their own set of circ*mstances, past experiences, fears, inadequacies, longings, desires, and dreams. When we force them into an assumed mold, it minimizes them and their experience, and strains the relationship.
Let me illustrate.
If you don’t like having people come visit you at the hospital after having a baby, following the Golden Rule, you would not drop in at the hospital when your friends have their babies. But what if your friend really feels lonely in the hospital after her babies are born and she is so excited to share this experience with other people. When you don’t come visit, it sends the message that you don’t really care about her.
Or maybe you grew up in a family where everyone openly joked about and with each other. You knew it was out of love and this is just what your family did. But when you get married to a woman that came from a much more reserved family and doesn’t understand this level of joking, she becomes deeply hurt when you include her in on the joking. Even though you would be okay being treated like that, she isn’t.
The Golden Rule is insufficient, even potentially damaging. When we assume others want to be treated like we want to be treated, it is hurtful and disconnecting.
The rule we should be teaching our children and applying to ourselves is The Platinum Rule, a higher rule, where we treat other people how they want to be treated.
Instead of assuming we know what someone else would want and need, we ask them….and then believe them. Even if it is different from how you would respond in that situation.
Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages implies a similar idea. Just because you experience love and connection through acts of service, does not mean that cleaning the toilet is going to light your man’s fire. Or maybe gifts overwhelm you with a sense of belonging. That does not mean that gifts will communicate love and appreciation to your spouse.
Speaking of gifts, I see this in my young children at Christmas time. I have to encourage my kids to find gifts that the receiver would appreciate – which may or may not be something the giver would appreciate.
This reminds me of a couple I spoke with after their anniversary. The husband was dumbfounded that his wife was upset about the diamond necklace he had purchased for her. In a tone seeping with sarcasm, he related, “Any woman would love this necklace, but no! She’s upset that she’s married to a man that remembered their anniversary and carefully and loving picked out this necklace for her.” The wife looked at me, deeply hurt and resentful and said, “I wanted new carpet. I’ve wanted new carpet for a long time and we’ve been saving up for it. When he asked what I wanted for our anniversary, I told him I wanted new carpet. But he didn’t listen. He bought me this necklace because that is what he would have wanted. It really is a gift for him – not for me.”
This principle applies in all relationships – spouses, children, in-laws, siblings, friends, church members, employees, etc. It helps to ask other people what they would like in a given situation.
- To the woman who is sick in bed, “I would like to bring you dinner tonight. Would that be helpful to you?”
- To the child who is struggling with a teacher at school, “I would like to talk to your teacher. Are you okay with that?”
- To the spouse who is emotionally upset, “Do you need me to give you some time, or can I hold you?”
As you become more and more familiar with a person, you will instinctively know what they do and do not want and need.
But whenever there is a question, ask. Don’t assume. It’s in the assumptions that we generally get ourselves into trouble.
How can the principle of following the Platinum Rule improve your relationships?
FAQs
One, it fails to explain how to deal with non-reciprocation. Two, it fails to make clear that my obligations are obligations regardless of how I would wish to be treated by others. Three, it lacks any special value in explaining the right occasions for benevolence. And, four, it has no power to motivate benevolence.
Why do people not follow the Golden Rule? ›
The problem is, the Golden Rule has a massive flaw. It assumes that everyone around you, is just like you. That other people want and need the same things that you want and need, and that you should automatically be able to figure them out based on your own experience. But individuals do not work like that.
What is the Golden Rule for do not do to others? ›
Most people grew up with the old adage: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Best known as the “golden rule”, it simply means you should treat others as you'd like to be treated.
Why is the Golden Rule not used anymore? ›
Language evolves and changes. It's possible that parents today prefer to use other terms and phrases to teach and reinforce the behaviors that embody the Golden Rule (such as empathy, fairness, and respect). 2. Different cultures use other terms.
What is the negative of the Golden Rule? ›
The Golden Rule in its prohibitive (negative) form was a common principle in ancient Greek philosophy. Examples of the general concept include: "Avoid doing what you would blame others for doing." – Thales ( c. 624 – c.
What is a golden rule violation? ›
In the courtroom, a Golden Rule argument is one which asks the jurors to “place themselves in the victim's [or plaintiff's] shoes.” 5 Such an argument is prohibited because it “tends to completely destroy all sense of impartiality of the jurors, and its effect is to arouse passion and prejudice.” 6 Other examples of ...
How is the Golden Rule flawed? ›
The “golden rule” is usually expressed as “treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated”. Its flaw is that it rests upon an assumption that everybody has the same desires as to how they would like to be treated … and they don't.
What happens when you disobey the Golden Rule? ›
Answer: "Do not do unto others what you do not want them to do unto you" you simply admit to yourself that you do not need others to survive which is a negative trait. You conscience will tell you that you have done a wrong act.
What is better than the Golden Rule? ›
Instead of imposing a single framework, the Platinum Rule adapts to the needs of each individual, creating a more nuanced, respectful, and effective interaction. Enter the "Platinum Rule"—treat others how they wish to be treated. Here are three compelling reasons why this principle trumps its golden predecessor.
Do not do unto others golden rule quote? ›
According to recent studies, it was mentioned as early as 3,000 BC in the vedic Indian tradition: “Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you; wish for others what you wish for yourself”.
1) Debit what comes in - credit what goes out. 2) Credit the giver and Debit the Receiver. 3) Credit all income and debit all expenses.
Do not do to others what is hateful to you.? ›
He quoted from Leviticus, saying, "Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." Hillel then concluded: "That which is hateful unto you, do not do to your neighbor. This is the whole of the Torah; the rest is commentary.
Why don't people follow the Golden Rule? ›
Perhaps, it's because we've been taught to do the opposite. The Golden Rule: Treat others how you would want to be treated. A rule taught in many religions and by our parents, but which far too few seem to follow.
What is the main problem with the Golden Rule? ›
In his chapter on the Golden Rule, for example, Gensler is quick to note that one of the problems with it is that it does not take into account the fact that people stand in different relations to each other and in different sets of circ*mstances: it does not take it into account that you and I will be in a different ...
What is the Golden Rule today? ›
The Golden Rule has been a guidepost for generations, offering a basic understanding of empathy. Modern times might suggest that there's a new and improved way of thinking. While "treating others the way we want to be treated" is a good starting point, there's more to do.
What is the flaw in the Golden Rule? ›
In his chapter on the Golden Rule, for example, Gensler is quick to note that one of the problems with it is that it does not take into account the fact that people stand in different relations to each other and in different sets of circ*mstances: it does not take it into account that you and I will be in a different ...
What is the primary problem with the Golden Rule? ›
According to Kant, what is the main problem with the golden rule? It makes morality depend solely on the consequences of one's actions. It fails to give us any guidance whatsoever. It allows lying, which is never permissible.
What is the biggest weakness of the Golden Rule? ›
This can result in a more equitable outcome, especially when the literal interpretation would lead to unfair or discriminatory results. Potential for judicial subjectivity: One of the disadvantages of the golden rule is that it introduces an element of judicial subjectivity into the interpretation process.
What is the major shortcoming of the Golden Rule? ›
The “golden rule” is usually expressed as “treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated”. Its flaw is that it rests upon an assumption that everybody has the same desires as to how they would like to be treated … and they don't.
